Focus

Recently, I've been full of hope. This hope, I can only suppose is God-Given because my tour here has not always been one that I could call "hopeful." There have been many days I've walked around in something of a haze. My section has become depleted in its numbers and sometimes months seem like years and it's all I feel I can do to keep from going under. However, I've remained steadfast in my faith and I've worked hard on bringing everything to God. At night, when I'm lying in bed, ready for the sweet reverie of sleep, I make sure the first thing I say to God is thank you. Not just thanks for the friends and family I have back home. Not just thanks for the beautiful life I have waiting for me when I return. I tell him thank you for the gifts I have right here in Iraq--
I'm continually fed. I have a ton of food at my disposal from the DFAC and from care packages I've received from loved ones. I'm warm and dry at night with the ability to control the temperature of my room. I sleep comfortably in my jersey sheets and comforter, with my fan and my air conditioner blowing. 
I have clothes on my back. The army has prepared me for the second ice age and for global warming all with the same clothing issue. 
Despite the distance, Matt and I are flourishing in our relationship. If it's possible, I'm more in love with him now than I was the last time we said goodbye. And so, I'm thankful for the distance. It's funny how two people can be so far apart and yet continue to grow so close together. I know it is Gods doing. Refiners Fire. The Potters Wheel. And all the other biblical terms explaining the experiences we go through are part of a plan to make us into Gods best version of ourselves. And that is this time we have apart. 
And so, I've been filled with hope. I can't focus on the things I don't have, I can only focus and be thankful for the things I DO have. That doesn't stop me from thinking about the people back home. It doesn't mean I don't talk about what it will be like to go home. But now, I talk about it with an air of hope instead of an air of longing. It makes a big difference. As of right now, I'm thankful for Gods insight in me, and I'm thankful for a mind at peace. 

It's been almost four months since we said goodbye. 

I wish I didn't hate.....

RUNNING. I HATE RUNNING. But I really wish I didn't hate it. Both my brothers are excellent runners. I'm talking 12-minutes-to-run-two-miles kind of runners. And they've been doing it since their little toddlers legs could carry them. And then there's me. The best two mile run I've ever done was 16:15.... in the middle of basic training.... And of course I didn't keep up with running when I got home. Every now and then I go out and run two miles to make sure I can still pass my PT test. And I do pass. But I hate every second of it. Here is my list of why I hate running.

#1 - Do to the over pronation of my feet, my knees turn in slightly when I walk. When I run, its worse and it forces my legs to kick out to the side when I run. As Matt so gently put it, "You look like a baby giraffe learning to walk right after it came tumbling out of its mom." Not only is this slightly embarrassing, I really think it effects how well I run. I think if my arches, feet, and knees were normal, I would have an easier time of things.

#2 - Side stitches. I don't remember the last time I ran and didn't get one. They hurt. It's either a sharp pain right under my rib cage or right around my hip bone. It drives me crazy because even when I feel good running, all the sudden I'll get one, and they're debilitating. I'll feel great for the first 10 minutes of a run, and then WHAM! Side-stitch. My 7:30 minute mile turns into a 9:00 or even 9:30 minutes mile. I get SO frustrated.

#3 - I hate running without music, but to run around here, you can't have ear plugs in unless you run on a treadmill or a track. I hate running on treadmills. I hate feeling like I'm not going anywhere. I hate running on tracks. I hate running in the same spot/in circles for more than 10 minutes.

And those are my main reasons for hating to run. However, there are so many more reasons to keep running!

1# It's good for your heart.
2# It's the best all around work out your body can get.
3# It especially works those lower abdominals that are so hard to form.
4# It's the best way to lose weight and then keep it off (Not a problem for me yet, but one day, I'm going to have children and one day my metabolism IS going to slow down. When that day comes, I want to be in love with running haha)
5# Lots of other benefits that I can't think of off the top of my head.

So if anyone has any running tips for me, I'll take them. Also, if anyone has any great work out songs, send them my way so I can DL them. I'm always looking for new stuff to listen to.
Alright, no more ranting about running.

There has been a baby born on facebook every month for the last four months. And it only looks to be continuing. However, I seem to be short on June babies. Maybe in June, my baby fever will finally start to ebb. But all these super pregnant mama's-to-be and all these brand-spankin-new-bundles-of-baby-joy are only making me want one more! Poor, Matt. I probably mention having a baby at least 5/7 days a week. This is why, when I get home, we will be getting a puppy. That should keep us busy and me content for a year or so. Despite how much I want a baby, Matt and I both know that we need to be financially ready first. Plus, we want to enjoy living in the same continent, state, city, and house for a while. So fortunately for Katie, this means baby Elizabeth will be the most spoiled baby that ever happened to the Earley family. I'm also planning on getting a job doing something with childcare when I get back, even though I swore I would never work at a pre-school/day-care ever again. I still might not... I'd really like to be a part-time nanny. Watching two or three kids is a lot easier and less stressful than watching 6-14 kids (depending on the age group).
Okay, enough about babies.

Currently...

I spend vast amounts of time looking at the 2011 calendar. Some people might think this is a bad idea considering I've still got months left until my deployment is over, however, I find it quite cathartic. There is something about breaking apart the days that are left in April, and adding the months until July to celebrate the birth of my first biological niece, and then it's just August and September doesn't really count. I literally spent 45 minutes looking at a calendar online so I could mentally prepare myself for the months ahead. I was strangely calmed. Maybe its because we're already making plans to get the heck out of dodge. Don't get excited. Not plans to leave early. Just plans for when it happens. Its nice to think that we're already thinking about leaving. Other nice thoughts of the day include: 


*I'll be home for Halloween
*Melissa is going to plan one heck of a Bachelorette party. 
*Wedding Shower(s)!!!!!!!! 
*My user name on Etsy is catiecastleman. (I also spend a ridiculous amount of time on Etsy. It is currently my new addiction.)
*I'll be home for Thanksgiving
*Babies R Us is not blocked at work, so I found Katie and Lee's registry and made plans to buy EVERYTHING... okay, not everything... but lots of things! Is it considered tithing to spend your 10% on your brother and sister-in-laws baby shower? 
*My veil has been picked out and bought! Thanks, mom! It is absolutely lovely. No, it isn't any of the ones I had shown on here. 
*I'm not so bad at Black Jack... not be confused with Jack Black... which is what I wrote the first time I posted this blog. 
*It doesn't matter how bold coffee is, if you add enough creamer, it won't be bold anymore. (<--- So crafty) 
*This
*My little sister is super awesome and talented AND she's now a first degree red-belt! Sooo basically my sister can kick your sisters arse. Just sayin'. 
*The song 'Delicate' by Damien Rice is perfection. 

Oh and the Civil Wars song of the day is their cover of Dance me to the end of Love. 

Doubt Vs. Faith

So I thought it might be fun to take notes on my blog as I listen to the audio CD's from Crossroads current series "Heavy Weights." Today's heavy weight is 'Doubt Vs. Faith.'


- A faith without some doubts is like a human body without any antibodies in it. People who go through life too busy or too indifferent to ask hard questions as to why they believe as they do, will find themselves defenseless.- Tim Keller. 


- Relational Faith. God is not just a math equation to be figured out. God is a being who wants to have a relationship with you. 


- "I believe, but help me with my unbelief." 


Those were just a few things that struck me. As I look back on my own journey of faith and doubt, I can honestly say that every legitimate doubt to my faith, has been answered. If it was something that struck a chord and caused me worry about the validity of what of I believe, I have had a faithful answer from God. However, I have to be more specific and say it usually wasn't an answer I heard in prayer, it wasn't a note that was suddenly dropped on my doorstep. I hold true to a verse in Proverbs (I think) to show how God answers prayers of doubt.
"Indeed if you call out for insight and call aloud for understanding and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will  understand the fear of the lord and find the knowledge of God." Every time I've ever had a doubt, I have prayed for understanding and then God sends a book, or a person, and my questions are answered and my faith secured. I've had to research and I've spent hours questioning, searching, and finding the answers, but God always provides. I think the time we spend researching our doubts is a declaration of faith and love to him.
I'm glad my parents encouraged us (my siblings and I) to ask questions about God. I think they would both tell you that I might have been the most inquisitive. Really it was just one question over and over again. I was that annoying child that had to ask "why?" at every turn in the conversation. So from an early age, I've been naturally prone to ask questions. And though my faith has been shaken many times before, it has not been lost. Although things have not always gone my way, I can see those things I hated in the moment were lessons God used to make me grow. And that's pretty much all I got for the day :) 

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

So in the last care package my mom sent me, she also sent a brand new Selah CD. It's definitely one of their best ones. They usually sing hymns, but their arrangement for each of these timeless compositions, is simply stunning. However, they do throw in some contemporary pieces. 'I Will Carry You' is an original work that I believe was written by Amy (the female lead) for Todd (the male lead) and his wife. Here is the story. 
Todd and his wife, Angie, were do to have their third little girl. But at one of their check ups, they got some of the worst news that any expecting parents could get. The doctor told them that their little girl had developed many complications. He told them her lungs would never fully develop, her heart was enlarged, and if she were to live to full term, she would immediately gasp for breath and probably not live longer than five minutes. The doctor suggested an abortion but Todd and Angie decided they would keep their girl alive as long as God willed her to be. And so Angie had a c-section. Audrey cried, but she didn't gasp for breath. She lived two and a half hours and then passed quietly. 

So I listened to this song the first time without knowing the story behind it. Then I got curious. So I researched it and listened to the song again. I love the song, it is absolutely beautiful. It's at a perfect place for my voice to sing but I literally can't get through this song without BALLING my eyes out. I'm talking, complete and total wreck.. sobbing, hiccups, the works. I don't even have children. I don't know what it is like to bring life into the world, so I certainly don't know what it's like for it to be taken away two and a half hours later, but something about this story and this song makes my heart ache. God bless the parents of this little girl. 


There were photographs i wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this? 
People say that I'm brave but I'm not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you 

It's Official

I'm absolutely sick and tired of eating the same stuff at the DFAC (dining facility for those who need a translation). As far as cafeteria type food goes, it isn't the worst. However, it IS cafeteria food. Imagine eating cafeteria food three meals a day, every day, for nine months. There is no Taco Bell, there is no McDonalds, there is no Applebees, and there are no home-cooked meals. There is only DFAC. My cravings for real food will range from Wendy's to Shogun. Tonight, I was craving sushi. Every night around 11PM, I start craving steak quesadillas from T-Bell or a pizza from Papa Johns. They try to make pizza here, but it is a very sad attempt. I'm pretty sure the pizza sauce is just ketchup.  It's a damn shame. 


On a lighter note, Matt and I have a new friend. Swee the Rat. Swee is a product of a typo from this mornings g-chat conversation. I don't know what we were talking about, but I answered Matts with, "Okay, sweetherat." Of course, I was trying to type out 'sweetheart' and I think most people would have simply accepted the typo for what it was and moved on. But not Matt. He saw Swee the Rat and so Swee the Rat came into being. Matt was so taken by his typo born rodent, that he immediately set out to bring him to life. 

And it took him an hour of dedicated concentration to come up with this.  Reason 800 as to why I love my husband.